I have been postponing writing this blog for some time now- things got a bit hectic this past month. On July 7th, Charlie and I went to Koh Nang Yuan [the three islands connected by a natural sand barrier] to learn about scuba diving. Within three days, we completed the course and four dives to receive our certification to dive any where in the world up to 18 meters. Pretty frickin awesome- lets just hope I use it. The vacation in paradise was filled with early morning hikes to watch the sunrise, coming face to face with some pretty ugly looking fish, stories exchanged between new friends from around the world, and seeing my first shark. Of course, when the latter happened, I screamed, underwater, turned my snorkel sideways and gulped a large amount of salt water down my throat as I sliced my feet on the dead coral. I figured that would happen.
After our last day in paradise, with the next trip back already planned, Charlie and I headed to Bangkok to celebrate 50 years of the Peace Corps in Thailand. Thailand is one of the few countries Peace Corps has worked in for 50 consecutive years. Members from the first group, back in 1962, attended these events, along with many other Returned Peace Corps Volunteers. I am not the greatest at events like these- moving around a room until you find someone to talk to, introducing yourself and attempting to have a meaningful conversation. Of course, I did meet some pretty incredible people but, as a twenty-one year old, I felt out of place. During one of the events, the Princess of Thailand came to support the accomplishment of the Peace Corps. A few lucky volunteers were able to take a photo with the Princess and speak about their upcoming projects.
Schmoozing, dining and a few business cards later, the weekend arrived and Charlie and I made the trip out to our old stomping grounds. Oh, Singburi. I missed that place so much. When I reached my old tambon and saw my Thai family I felt at home. The rice fields, the market, the smiles- so different from where I am living now. "Pom maak!" "Put thai geng!"[Skinny! You speak Thai well!] My family and friends were showering me with compliments- trust me, my ego definitely needed it! Like old times, I woke up early to help my sister, Pii Nook, at the market. Gosh, I wish I went more while I was in Singburi. The market was filled with people excited to see me [I was equally as excited to see them, as well]. Then, after the market, we all headed back to the house to lay and rest, just like old times. I am happy I visited the people that welcomed me into this country and hope to have the opportunity to return.
A short trip later, Charlie and I were in Suphan Buri for Reconnect, Peace Corps training to talk about the first three months at site. Similar to PST, there were scheduled events but the overall feel was much more relaxed and calming- something all of us needed to be able to jai yen yen [cool your heart or calm down]. These two weeks, I sort of went into hiding. Volunteers were out and about until all hours of the night, sharing stories and enjoying each other's company. At any other time, I would have been right there with them. But, I knew what was coming up- my trip back to the good ol' USA. Now, you would think I would be perfectly ecstatic to be going home [which, for the most part I was]. However, there was a little part of me that was nervous as hell. I had heard from previous volunteers that returning to Thailand is very tough. All I could think about was my family and how nice it would be to be a part of that again. I would be getting a taste of the one thing I craved then would be pulled away once I got comfortable.
And that is exactly what happened. I returned home on the 28th of July, perfect timing for Tony's wedding, literally. I arrived home, showered, pulled a dress out of my closet, and was ready for pictures in about an hour. What a whirlwind of emotions that day brought. I was so happy to be a part of Tony and Danielle's special day- sometimes so happy that I cried. Between the happiness, however, I felt somber because I could see all that I missed in only 7 months of being away. I could have helped with the wedding arrangements, attended the numerous events and been a part of the wedding party like the rest of my family. Thus, this brought on more tears. Nonetheless, I never danced, smiled and ate so much in my life. It will be one of my most fond memories forever.
As the week went on, I said goodbye to old friends and family just as quickly as we were reunited. Spent time on my couch, in a sweatshirt and sweatpants, watching the Olympics with my parents. Ate the mouthwatering cooking of my Mommy. And had a chance to hug my three brothers and parents again. Inevitably, the dreaded time came when I would return to Thailand. Around my eyes literally started peeling from crying so much in one week. I did not know how I would handle the second goodbye. The horror stories told by other volunteers did not make me hopeful. And, as I expected, I help my Mommy's hand until we reached airport security and cried my eyes out, trying to ingrain in my memory how it felt to hug my Mommy and Daddy.
Nonetheless, I was able to let go. And, I am able to write this blog from my room in Thailand. I do not know if I could say I was worried I would come back or not. I did pack all my valuables with me, but I told myself it was because I would be gone for so long. I know that I could be happy at home. That, eventually, I would find a job as a classroom teacher and be happy. I would be able to see my parents when I wanted to and not when the internet permits. I would be able to help Rachael find an apartment in the city or be some what helpful in planning Nick and Renee's wedding.
All that aside, even though coming back to Thailand may have been harder than saying goodbye the first time, I am happy I went home [and, of course, returned]. I lost myself a bit over here. I lost part of my happy personality, my friendliness, my health, my contentment. Back in that little town on Long Island, I was able to be me again. And I brought me back to Thailand.
And now, I feel much better. My Mommy fatten me up a bit the way she likes. I am optimistic. I am more willing to go talk with my community again, eager like I was four months ago. I eat ice cream when my body asks me for it and don't regret it when I do. I can feel pretty. I relax. And, I do feel content.
A few weeks ago, a Peace Corps Volunteers wrote a note to me- "So what if your idealism doesn't fade? Hold onto it."
Thank you.
You are so strong. I knew you'd come back. :)
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